— aleatory

The Google Deadpool

Mobile, Music, Real-time and er, that watery thing – make no mistake about it, Google is the new borg. But they don’t always succeed. Like the finely tuned crack team of elite geeks they are, they bury their mistakes. For this piece I’ve taken on the role of chronological gravedigger (well it’ll fill my CV out won’t it?) and scooped out the bodies; not pretty viewing:

dodgeball.jpgDodgeball
This is what happens when the big G ventures outside of it’s tech stronghold: Tech invents something better and Google is left wondering why it got itself into some arcane mysticism it never really understood in the first place. Dodgeball, social networking on mobile before smartphone-based GPS services went nuclear – it even used SMS. Bless.

Google Answers
Two for the price of one here, as Google Q&A was a forerunner to Answers, and whose comedy value is far more interesting. Not today’s Q&A app that very few of you may be aware of, but an old web0.1 version whereby users emailed Googlers who responded for a fee, presumably with some answers. We never found out for sure though, as the service only lasted 24 hours. Nothing like fail fast, fail often eh Google?

Click-to-Call
More phone-based shenanighans here. Enter your number. Google calls and puts you through to an advertiser. Gave clickfraud a social networking element.

Google Browser Sync
Somebody must have been seriously running out of imagination for their 20% time. Users could upload Firefox cookies, bookmarks, history and transfer them between machinezzzzzz…

Google Web Accelerator
Although you can still get this on those software hoarding sites, it won’t work. Not a bad idea when the web ran on hamsters, but then Google held back 5 years and released it when there was no need for it. D’oh.

lively.jpgLively
I get social networks moved online. I don’t get the obsession with reinventing every inane part of daily life. I don’t want to walk around a room online to meet people – it sucks and completely misses the point of well, not needing to walk around a room online. For this reason 2nd life will die out eventually too.

Walking around rooms != fun m’kay?

Jaiku
Twitter for the über Googler. I know it’s not dead, but ‘open sourcing’ something after pulling all your developers off it when you’re Google it is like throwing the chef off a destroyer class warship onto a life raft. In the middle of the Pacific.

Google Audio Ads
Yeah let’s do radio too. No. Next.

Google Notebook
Taking notes whilst browsing was handy. Especially handy for not a few people was the nifty firefox extension. Unfortunately though Google were developing a hundred thousand different wordsmith applications all at the same time. Redirect -> Google Docs || Bookmarks || Gmail Tasks.

Google Video
I have watched 4,653 videos on youtube. And I’m someone who has the flash furies. Nevertheless it pissed all over Google’s own in-house attempt at a DDOS attack on the world’s web browsers. No longer accepting uploads means you’re dead vidyo.

Mashup Editor
A cool idea, but a me-too one. And the original, Yahoo! Pipes, was (and more importantly Google still is) way cooler.

2 comments
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